Home
by Napels
Summary: Ennis, after Jack s death


_**Home...**_

The wheels of Ennis car spun up the dust of the dry floor as he parked his car next to his trailer. Weary he got out and walked over to his door, sand and stones crunching under his feet as he suddenly stopped.

On the steps outside his door stood a small package, warpped in brown paper and tied with a string.

Maybe his daughter had been here? But no, she would have waited until he got home.

But who on earth would send him a parcel? He rarely got mail and since Jack´s death he has not been interested in any mail at all anymore.

Hesitantly he climbed the steps to his trailer and picked up the little package.

`Ennis del Mar´ said the address on the paper, a sender address was not noted.

Still wondering, he opened his door and entered.

The handwriting in which his address was written, was even and elegant. Probably a woman´s.

Lost in thought he put his hat on the table and opend the package.

It was filled with crumpled newspaper and when Ennis took some out of it, a silver coffee tin was to be seen that was tied with a simple cord. Beneath the cord was a letter with Ennis name on it.

He picked up the can and carefully pulled the letter out from under the string, as suddenly a sense of familiarity and fear flowed through him, he just could not say why.

He carefully opened the letter, unfolded it and read

_´Dear Ennis del Mar, _

_I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for visiting us. _

_Jack talked about you many times and how he wanted to get our farm back on track with you. _

_It was not hard to see how much you meant to him._

_At one point he told me that if anything should happend to him, he wanted his ashes to be scattered at Brokeback Mountain, the place where he was happiest in his live._

_Even though Jack´s father is against it, I want Jack´s last wish to be fulfilled._

_So I put half of his ashes sent by his wife into this coffe tin._

_Jack´s father konws nothing about it._

_I´d like to ask you to scatter Jack´s ashes at his favorite place on Brokeback Mountain, as he´d wished for - and where he´d been so happy._

_I´m sure you know where this place is – and I´m sure he´d wanted you to be the one to do it._

_Thank you so much and God bless you_

The lines blurred in front of Ennis eyes, no matter how hard he tried to blink his tears away.

Jack!

A part of him had finally returned to Ennis. Here, right in front of him, in a little silver box waiting for him to fulfill Jack´s last wish.

But how was he supposed to let him go, even though he never had the chance to say goodbye? Did not even want to say goodbye, could not!

Jack had been the onlyone who had mattered to him in his life. Only with the difference that Jack seemed much more carefree and braver when it came to showing their feelings for each other.

Jack had eventually accepted that Ennis was too scared to live a life he had wanted to protect Jack and himself from the hatred and misunderstanding of the people around them this way.

But in the end, he had paid a much higher price for it now.

Jack was dead, and Ennis hadn´t been able to stop it.

What all the pain for? To have lived their life in secret all the time had not been able to avert Jack´s death.

Only now was too late for this realization.

Jack was gone, cruelly torn from his life – and Ennis did not know how to go on without him.

What if he had given in to Jack´s desire to live a common life... how much happier would they have been today? Ennis could´t think of an answer to that question, it was way too painfull to even try it.

He wished he´d been at Jack´s side, tried to protect him, save him or at least die with him. Anything would be better than having to live without him now for the rest of his life.

His hands trembled violently as he carefully reached out for the little silver tin on the table in front of him.

Jack

All that was left of him Ennis held in his hands now. He pressed the little tin desperately to his heart as his knees suddenly gave in and he sank to the floor.

Everything in him contracted painfully. He gasped for air but the pain in his chest did not let him breathe.

Damn it, Jack!

He curled into a small heap on the floor, squeezing the little box tight against his heart and crying like never before in his life.

At some point at night, he had fallen asleep, exhausted, just to meet Jack in his dreams...

With the first ray of light in the morning, Ennis woke up.

His head was numb. A dull ache shot through his eyes as he slowly straightened up, when his eyes grazed the small silver tin beside him.

Its sight struck him full force.

Jack!

Ennis picked the litte tin carefully up and gently set it on the table, before placing his hat protectively above it.

A glance from the window told him that it would become a gray, cold day.

The winter came. It even looked like snow today.

Jack had never liked the cold, he thought.

It was November already. They had an appointment for November to meet at Pine Creek and spent ten or more days together in the mountains...

Now he would have to go alone, even through part of Jack was with him now, always would be for the rest of his life.

He knew what needed to be done now to fulfill Jack´s last wish, and he was thankful to be busy for a while.

Working had been the only way to stun the deep pain in his heart for a while since he knew of Jack´s death. So he had worked to the point of total exhaustion to somehow endure it.

But now he could do something for Jack one last time. Best of all, he´d get start immediately.

So he went out to pack the car, got their tent, the old sleeping bag, his saddle and some groceries that were enough.

When he was done packing, he went in, showerd and put on fresh jeans before going to his closet.

Carefully, he opend the door and looked at the two shirts on the hanger next to a postard of the old Brokeback.

These two shirts with his dried blood on the sleeves, the pair like two skins, one inside the other, two in one.

Tears welled up in his eyes and rolled down his face as he gently ran his fingers over the two shirts. His fingers trembled as he slowly unbttoned the shirts and carefully removed them from the hanger.

He buried his face in them for a moment before finally putting ´em on, one by one.

They felt like a gentle hug on his skin.

He could not tell how long he had stood there, immobile, lost in memories that were so sweet, yet so painful that it had dragged him to long-forgotten moments with Jack.

Back in the here and now, he wiped the tears from his face before putting on the jacket he was wearing when he saw Jack for the last time.

He half closed the zipper and walked slowly over to the tabel. He took his hat and put it on, before reaching for the can, gently pushing it under his jacket and closing the zipper.

The can caused a small bump in his jacket, right under his heart.

Ennis tenderly ran his hand over it before going out, closing the door behind him and driving away without looking back.

Before he could drive out to the Brokeback, he had to stop at a nearby farm to pick up the two horses he always had for Jack and himself.

He would need them to get to the place where he wanted to scatter Jack´s ashes.

When he finally reached the spot on the Brokeback, where they had once set off for their camp in the mountains together with the sheep, it was already noon.

Ennis parked the car and saddled his horse. On Jack´s horse he loaded the tent, the sleeping bag and the supplies and rode off.

They had´never been here ever since.

Long forgotten memories flooded Ennis head, like a movie in his mind´s eye. It came all back to him.

Jack and he, as they rode through the mountains, their camps at the riverbank,

Jack´s voice, which called to ihm ´_no more beans!_´ before he set out that day, his encounter with the bear, their long evenings by the fire, Jack´s battered harmonica which he had loved to play on, and their nights together, full of mutual desire...It was the first time in his life that Ennis had felt whole. Whole and free to feel whatever he felt in his heart.

With Jack everything had felt right, through Ennis had been told over and over again thrughout his childhood that this kind of feeling was forbidden and wong.

So he knew that they were allowed to live the confounding power of attraction that they felt for each other only out here, where they were alone with each other.

Before he met Jack, he could not imagine that there was any such feeling, until Jack woke them up in him.

Emotions that were so strong that he´d loose control of himself and his body and could not prevent it – or even want to, at all.

That a kiss could burn the skin, set it on fire.

That a touch could strike the body like an electric shock, so that his heart would stop beating because of this sensation.

That one could so completely merge with someone else, that they lost themselfs not only physically, but also with body and soul. unseperable, that heart and soul remained one, even if they could no longer be together.

That a seperation could be so painful, drove him so much into the stomach, that he can not longer stand or breathe.

That you can love each other so much, that you can live twenty years, just for the next moments together, because only these moments matter and let you live.

He would never live again – only just still be alive.

Ennis had always feard that they would have to pay for their feelings with their lifes. So he had turned down Jack´s requests for a life together and thought that this way he could make a deal with God, or fate or whatever. That, when he would´t ask for more than he had, when he would resist his desire for more, like living with Jack, they would be save. Then nothing would happen to them.

But there was no security, no agreement. That was clear to him at the latest at his last meeting with Jack.

Jack´s desperation about their sporadic life had made him realize that there was not only one danger to their relationship, but infinite numbers. That he could loose Jack in the same way he had hoped to protect him, both of them. But the memory of what his father had once done had burned irrevocable into Ennis consiousness and he had to protect both of them, but especially Jack, from this kind of fate. He knew that Jack was far too careless to take this danger seriously. There were still enough people out there who would not hesitate to kill them if they realized how they felt for each other.

And in what a cruel way he had been right...

He had failed!

He had not been able to protect Jack – had not been with him, because he had hoped he would protect him best when he was not with him – so this thing called love – couldn´t grab hold of them again, at the wrong time, the wrong place.

He´d failed...

The sun was already setting, when Ennis finally reached the place where he wanted to scatter Jack´s ashes.

Quickly he set up the tent and took care of the horses. It was already cold when Ennis finally sat down wearily by the fire with a bottle of Jack´s favourite whisky.

Staring into the flickering flames, he allowed his memories to get caught up with him again, haunting him like demons that he would never be able to give up on, because they were all that was left to him of Jack.

Memories, of which he wished to have a thousends more.

He knew it was his fault that they had not spent more time together. Time with Jack, which he had missed. Time that could not be saved for redeeming later. Nevertheless, he´d just let the time pass - just as Jack had simply passed away...

His hand stroke tenderly over the bump in his jacket, just under his heart, where

he kept the small tin of Jack´s ashes.

With trembling hands he slowly pulled down the zipper of his jacket and carefully pulled out the small tin. Tears ran down his face as he gently held it in his hands and stared helplessly at it.

´_Damn it Jack_,_ can´t stand living without ya! Can´t fix it and I can´t stand it!_´ Ennis cursed desperately under his breath.

His fingers brushed lovingly over the tin before finally removing the lid with trembling hands.

His tears, which he had never known he had so many, veiled his vision as he stood up and slowly scattered Jacks ashes around the fire. When he was done, he watched the fine gray circle of Jack´s ashes on the ground, as it was slowly blown away by the wind. Everything had started here and everything ended here. He was alone now, without Jack, and he did not know how to live on without him. All strength Ennis had previously gathered to fulfill Jack´s last wish left him now. Nothing mattered to him anymore. When his knees gave out, he fell to the ground, crying desperate, holding the small tin tight in his arms...

The first snow of winter had fallen at night. Dark clouds moved across the sky, driven by an icy wind.

The horses blew warm air-breathing clouds into the frozen cold of dawn.

In a clearing the ranger had picked up two horses alone on the bank of the river.

They wore blankes to protect them from the cold, but there was noone to be seen they belonged to.

So he went in search of the riders.

Hardly anyone came up here at this time of the year, and those who did, looked after their horses well. A horse was vital to survival out here.

As the Ranger reached the next clearing, he could see a little tent up on the edge of the river.

It had buckled in the icy wind and was skewed to one side now.

The strom of the night had brought the snow there to small drifts. As he approached he could see an extinguished fireplace in front of the tent. A man lay curled up beside it on the floor, his body half covered in snow. He does not need to come closer to know that the man was dead.

`Damn it´ the Ranger cursed under his breath and got off his horse.

Next to the dead he spotted two empty bottles of whiskey in the snow.

Probably he had fallen asleep drunk by the fire and felt nothing of the cold, he thought.

As he approached further to take a closer look at the dead man he stopped, touched by how he lay there in front of him. His curled up body clutched a small silver tin to his chest, his face wearing a gentle, peacefull smile – as if he´d returned home to a loved one whom he had thought lost...


End file.
